Ivy (ivy_rat) wrote,

This is what I needed to write today

I'm on hold with the DMV (calling for my Mom). Let's see what I can write while waiting.

I'm kinda depressed, which makes writing harder. My Dr. upped the dosage of my happy pills (as Scott calls them), so we'll see if it helps.

I kinda feel like talking about depression today, so um, sorry.

Thing is, I've been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember. I've never seriously tried to kill myself, but I've thought about it. A lot. I've been on meds for a few years now.

When I was younger, I didn't want to be on anything for it. The fact that they didn't know WHY the drugs worked made me skeptical. In Scott's book, The Sculptor, Meg (who was based heavily on me) says she doesn't want to take anything for her depression because she, "wants to feel everything." When the book first came out, I read a review that was particularly upset with that part. They were right, it's a very stupid attitude to have, but sadly, it's a direct quote from me. That whole part of the book is hard for me to read because it's ripped directly out of our life together. It took me years to get over myself and start helping myself instead.

It took a bunch of people I love, as well, to make me realize that my depression was NOT something I had to just live with. And that helping myself helped everyone. I can't thank them enough.

Its not perfect. I'm taking my meds, but I'm still pretty bad right now. But I also have a UTI, and my back's been acting up again, all of which makes me feel yucky. I hate this feeling; I'm just in a fog. I thought the anti-depressants would do that to me, but it turns out that they had the opposite affect of lifting the fog.

But it's not perfect, and this week I'm sad.

There are a lot of us out there. Some people never get help because they're afraid of the stigma. Which is why I'm writing this. When people don't talk about emotional problems, then fellow sufferers feel they are alone. But they're not. There are lots and lots of us.

Scott, who is an awesome husband and took my decades-ago instruction, "Don't let me push you away" to heart, has kidnapped me and brought me to his studio. I've now been on hold with the DMV for 40min, but I'm writing. Something. And it makes me feel a little better.

This weekend, Scott will be teaching a 2-day workshop at LAAFA and I will be with him. Hopefully, the new drugs will have kicked in by then, but even if they haven't, no one there will know I'm sad. I'm very good at keeping it under wraps when I need to. And I'm an extrovert, so I get more energy when I'm around a bunch of people. Plus, I love helping Scott at his workshops. They are heaps of fun, and the work produced is always interesting (in the best possible use of the word)!

And tomorrow night is Game Night. That's a good thing.

Cool things are happening with our kids, so that's good, too.

When I'm out of this funk, I'll write an uplifting post. Until then; thanks for reading this far. If I see you in person, I will gladly accept any hugs you're willing to give...

(Still on hold with the DMV; now at 57 min)
(Scott has now proofread this, and I'm about to post; 1hr 15min and they answered just as I typed that.)
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